I have so much to say regarding pregnancy so my next few posts will have to be segmented. I get SO excited to talk about pregnancy and the birth of my cubs. Why? Because there are so many women who are not knowledgeable about pregnancy (me the first time around), women who are fed nothing but negative information about pregnancy and parenting (me again…the first time around), and most importantly there are women who pray to experience motherhood but are not fortunate to do so on their own. I realize what a blessing it is to grow and nurture life, and I want to be honest about how my way of thinking would cause my pregnant life and mothering life to either be a positive or negative experience.
I’ll start with my first pregnancy. I was two weeks away from turning 21 years old and one week away from completing all of my finals for the first semester of my senior year in college when my husband (fiance’ at the time) and I found out we were pregnant. I was on birth control at one point, but stopped taking it because it was my attempt at being celibate. I thought that if I stopped using birth control, I would stop having sex. You’re probably wondering why I was practicing celibacy when I was engaged right? Well! That fool had been lying to me about something for more than a year. I felt sex had placed a veil over my eyes and made me blind to his lies. In addition, I was making poor decisions when it came to our relationship. I believe in honesty, but blogging is still new to me AND I have trust issues so I won’t share what he lied about. Anyways, I felt like if I wasn’t on birth control, I would have self-control because I didn’t want to get pregnant. I eventually gave in to my lust for him and started having unprotected sex, and Taniya was conceived. We knew exactly what we were doing. We didn’t say, “hey, let’s go half on a baby,” but we didn’t stop ourselves. I’ll talk about that another day!
So I took 5 tests (they came in one pack from the super Wal-Mart by my school) because we were in disbelief. Here I am, approaching my last semester of college pregnant! My mother was actually disappointed in me and that didn’t feel good at all. We all know how bad it hurts to hear your parent(s) say they’re disappointed in you. With that in mind, I was slightly ashamed that I was pregnant and nervous that I wouldn’t graduate. Something that I should have been excited about, I found myself embarrassed about. The Christian girl who was supposed to wait until marriage was pregnant. That was the beginning of my stressful pregnancy. I would hide my stomach because I felt like everyone was staring. Because of my fear of judgement from others, I hated presentations! I had amazing friends in college that supported me and helped me(still have them til this day) , but I was basically 300 miles away from home and I still felt alone.
There was just a lot I didn’t know about pregnancy and I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. I lost the hair on my eyebrows, the slight acne that I would experience on my chin had expanded to all over my face, arms chest and back, I no longer had a booty, and I gained 40 pounds! This was terrible for a girl who already lacked self-esteem. The body I already hated had gotten worse. As you can see, there was a lot of negativity and stress surrounding this pregnancy so far.
My husband was a college dropout so he was a working man. He would drive up to Pennsylvania monthly to spend time with me, take me back home for our prenatal appointment, back to my school and then right back home so that he could be back to work Monday morning. I would literally spend my time in the car doing homework assignments and taking online quizzes. Unfortunately, my husband got fired from his job when I was six months pregnant… more stress. Thankfully, our mothers were so giving and helped us out tremendously. At this point, I was just trying to make it to finish the semester with at least a 3.0 GPA, but clearly I couldn’t just focus on school. Oh let me add one more thing because it definitely played a huge role in my insecurities regarding my ability to write and be successful in life. I majored in print journalism with a minor in deafness and hearing studies while in college. While I was there I volunteered for a magazine and quickly became an editor of one of the sections. Well being pregnant and all that comes with it, having 18 credits to complete, being an editor, and trying to keep my sanity was very difficult. I remember when I didn’t do so well one month and my boss said something like this: “I know you’re pregnant, but you’re not doing a great job. I expect to see better work than this. You wouldn’t make it in the journalism world with this type of work. It’s really tough out there.” She said something about seeing my potential, but that didn’t mean anything to me. All I could hear her saying was that I was a failure. That after I graduate and have my baby, I wouldn’t be successful in the area of work I went to school for. It crushed me.
I’ll stop here for now…